i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
