Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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