so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
