I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
