Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
