my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
