I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
