Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
