having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
