At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
