Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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