my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
