Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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