I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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