So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
