I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
