dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
