I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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