youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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