u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
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I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
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Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
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