70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
