so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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