Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
worst night to have a conscience
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
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