I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
