All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
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Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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