I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
All the doctor said was why
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
