Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
