Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
