im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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