What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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