finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
My dick has a subreddit
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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