I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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