Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
