Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
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