Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
