I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
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you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
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