Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
