Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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