Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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