So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
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he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
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The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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