this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
