she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
