i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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