Can i not drive my cunt home
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
