Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
how does that bad decision feel?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
