im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Holy shit dude........stairs
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