If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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