all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
