are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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