Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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