every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
