His pubic hair was longer than his dick
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize